Foundations

For many reasons, my therapist and I are exploring the idea of neurodiversity. Neurodiversity is a concept that has been gaining attention in recent years. It challenges the notion that all neurological disorders should be seen as diseases to be cured. Instead, it suggests that some of these disorders are simply different perspectives through which some people see the world. This idea goes against the common societal belief that there is a "norm" by which everyone should adhere, and because of that, the support structures simply don't exist to enable any way of thinking besides the most common one.

Unfortunately, this philosophy can sometimes lead to the glorification of certain conditions, such as autism. In media, we often see portrayals of individuals with autism as geniuses or individuals with extraordinary abilities. While it's essential to acknowledge and celebrate potential positives, we must not overlook the struggles and suffering experienced by those with autism.

In my own journey, my therapist believes I may also be dealing with a form of neurodivergence. However, it is challenging to diagnose precisely what type of neurodivergence I have because many different types exhibit similar symptoms. For example, both PTSD and autism can share common traits and overlap. Furthermore, there still remains a significant lack of research and understanding within the field of autism diagnosis in adults.

I personally believe I am autistic to some degree. Although I function relatively well on many fronts and can hold a job successfully (unlike some others), I do experience various difficulties in daily life. Large groups of people trigger panic attacks for me; hence I tend to avoid such situations whenever possible. Social gatherings often make me feel flaky due to fear of experiencing anxiety attacks. My brain constantly hyper-fixates on human interaction – trying tirelessly to analyze social dynamics and appropriate responses – but often leading me into overwhelming internal panic even when outwardly calm or composed.

My ability to handle social situations better than some others struggling with similar issues comes from being forced throughout my upbringing always to learn and grow in this regard; otherwise, survival would have been difficult. However, let me clarify - while I've learned how to navigate social settings decently enough out of sheer necessity over time - I mostly don't enjoy being around people or groups at all; interpersonal drama or toxicity holds no appeal for me whatsoever! Moreover, my tolerance for rude or inappropriate behavior from others is extremely low.

Certain situations trigger an immediate fight-or-flight response in me (or sometimes freeze). Flight mode manifests itself through flakiness - avoiding people entirely if possible; fight mode arises when someone nearby behaves poorly towards me (although this occurs rarely); freeze mode sets in when surrounded by unfamiliar faces – cornered off from everyone else while keeping strictly within myself.

Some might argue that these behaviors are not exclusive only among those who are neurodivergent but are shared by anyone during uncertain moments; however, they do not typically occur at such an extreme level as they do for someone like me who experiences neurodivergency on a regular basis.

To illustrate what stress feels like for someone like myself- think about Carmy from "The Bear" on Hulu: chest pains intensify while everything else fades into background noise; sounds become sharper along with ringing ears; migraines set in rapidly along with tension accumulating within neck/back/shoulder areas... And then there's me lashing out at others even if they haven't done anything wrong, incorrect emotional responses followed immediately by realizing my mistake, & apologizing (or walking away without apology) unable to accurately express myself.

One major fear associated with this issue revolves around uncertainties: Did I mess up socially without realizing it? Are there resentments against/dislike towards/misunderstandings about my actions? Should I have done something differently? Perhaps noticed any red flags indicating mistakes made? Once, I wasn't even aware I did this, which makes it that much worse now, because I hyper-fixate on the particulars of every conversation and person in my life, looking for where I messed up.  

It's humbling in the worst way, when you realize that you've probably been regularly misunderstanding every human interaction you've had for most of your life. That many of the failures to communicate have either been my fault, or at least have been the fault of a state of mind I wasn't aware of and therefore others were also not aware that I live with.

And hyperfixation. God dammit, the sheer number of times I've been completely obsessed with something just to forget it exists in lieu of obsessing over something else for a while, then doing it again. For a few weeks, I managed to focus on D&D, and then I got caught up in modding Skyrim for like 24 hours straight and forgot to eat, and now I'm hyper-fixating on the subject of hyper-fixation, overly bothered by the otherwise nice weekend I had modding a game that I've been playing off and on for 10+ years, because it got in the way of things I am acutely aware I should have been doing instead. Like writing this blog.

I'm working on trying to be more open about it, give people a chance to see how I think, and maybe respond positively. I can't help but feel most people don't want the burden though.